RIP, Dante Lavelli.

Dante's resume looks like this: Hudson High School --> Ohio State University --> Cleveland Browns.

By my own complex system of ethical mathematics, these three affiliations total the BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

He will be sorely missed.

RIP, Ray Dennis.

I hope someone writes the comprehensive biography your incredibly strange life deserves. Mostly, I wish I could have met you in person, to say thanks for the autograph, for the disc of deleted scenes, and for so many of my all-time favorite awful movies. Dude: the Chooper? Seriously?!

--K

So the economy is for shit (excuse me; I believe the technical term is "fucked the fuck up"), we're in Iraq for the next century or more, spending whatever sofa cushion change we have left after propping up Broke, Broker, and Banker Bros., LLP, and we're a heartbeat away from a heartbeat away from putting the whole frying pan into the hands of Mayor Winky McMoosegunner, PTA.

But do you know what really has me convinced that the end is near? Fuckin' ... they gave Fatman Scoop a sex advice show! Yes, that Fatman Scoop:

... I don't know either.

You guys? I think Scoop just invented the word "pussial." Just now, on my TV. Have they got that Virgin Galactic thing running yet?

Dear Ken:

-- For future posts:    (1) develop theory that Ludacris saves all of his best material for guest verses and remixes; provide examples.    (2) Refute Jacob Weiss's notion, suggested but not outright stated, that the posse cut ain't what it used to be.    (Defend "Swagger Like Us" only to the extent necessary to make this point.)

-- W/r/t the latter point especially, iron out longstanding but ridiculous tendency to confuse Jadakiss guest spots with those by Young Jeezy.     For ease of reference, these are some of your all-time favorite 'kiss moments:

"John Blaze" (as hailed by Mr. Weiss).     Jada's the one immediately before Raekwon and his Snoopy sweater:

"Made You Look (Remix)"    Why put you in a verse, when he could put you in a coroner van?:

"Paper Touchin (Remix)":

Jeezy, by contrast, is that dude that shouts "Let's get it!!" a lot.    Keeps a fresh bald head like he just left chemo.    Traps, and/or dies.    Works, ostensibly, for NASA.    "Loves" it, etc.    I trust the difference between the two will be abundantly clear to you henceforth.

Fondest Regards,
--Ken

"This is America. Pick the job you want, and then be the person that does it." -- Bobbie Barrett

What I want, skillets, is to be the person that brings you up to speed on these two crucial, yet sorely neglected, issues.

1. DJ Paul's Scar Tattoo

Please, someone, tell me that thing is not permanent.     It's drawn on with a Sharpie, right?     Please?     I hope?

You'll have to trust me when I say this isn't just me being old and out of touch.     I'm an honest-to-God Three 6 Mafia fan, and I respect DJ Paul as a musician and a lyricist (although that reality show was hella crappy).     I have no problem with tattoos, even on the face.     Teardrops, I can handle.     Tyson's tribal ink, I got used to.     I even enjoy Weezy's colorful "I Am Music."   But that eye-lightning thing that Paul has going on is just hideous.

And it's probably offensive to people with real scars!     If I were Omar or Future Peter Petrelli, I'd kick DJ Paul in the ass.


2. Sword "Whisky"!

Because they are awesome, Deb and Dan brought one of the daggers pictured here back from their recent Award Tour.     Sikkim "Old Gold" "Single Malt" "Whisky": because there aren't enough quotation marks in the world ...

I am seriously proud of the fact that I got to sample this stuff, which I strongly suspect is not made from "malt," or indeed by means of a process involving grain of any kind.     It tastes a lot more like grapes ... or rather, like the discarded bits of grapes that are used to make grappa.     Like rancid, dyed-brown grappa, fortified with Pusser's Overproof.

But while the ... uh, Geschmackleben was indeed unique, the real attraction here is of course the packaging.     It's hard to top the thrill of alcohol ... stored in weaponry.

Come to think of it, I also own a decanter shaped like a dueling pistol!     That could be my real calling, you guys.     Collector of weapon-shaped booze containers: I'm the guy that does it!

--K


P.S. If only the fine folks at Sikkim shared my enthusiasm for their unique product.     Check out this ringing endorsement, from sikkimdistilleries.com: "15th June 1976 ... tasted your Premium Whisky- Old Gold and I can genuinely say its one of the very few Indian made whiskies which can be recommended for better drinking.
-- Shri K.N.Ghatak, Group Technical Advisor, Shaw Wallace & Co.Ltd"

Sikkim!     Thought to be drinkable!     By someone alive at some time within the last half-century!

... best believe I'd work on nothing but this kind of thing all day:

I'm sure I'm the nine-billionth blogger to embed this particular video, but as the Mash Out Posse hold a permanent number-one seed in my Bracket of Everything, I felt it had to be done.

Meanwhile: I'm still cooking up a master plan. 50 Cent's pre-shooting masterpiece "Your Life's On the Line," mashed up with some old-school Law and Order action. If any of you skillets has the wherewithal to make this happen, holler at your boy.

That's me, babbling about the radio controls, mere minutes after I'd given the SmartCar's speakers a workout with the mp3 of "Praying for Time" that I carry with me at all times, in case this sort of opportunity presents itself.

I scooped the Sporting News, and the Cleveland Scene! Latecomers to the genius of Mr. West, both! And not a K-Dubs shout-out to be found, from either ... For shame.

(I know: no one's really surprised to learn that the Scene is behind the times on something. "Breaking! Art Modell is an asshole!" "Some dudes like fat chicks!" Riveting, truly. Plus I already scooped the HELL out of them on The Kickdrums ...)

It does hurt me a little to make respectable journalists (or even Sarah Fenske) look bad. So in the spirit of consolation, I offer the following:

1. Props to Ye Olde Pee Dee, for their their fine early discussion of Delonte's magical growth spurts (apparently, calf raises and PB&J are the key); and

2. This keen "insight" gleaned from last night's Game 1, guaranteed to surprise absolutely no one: Mike Brown is a lousy coach.

No need to thank me, skillets. Seriously.

With apologies to Bill Simmons: I have very few rules in life, but this is one of them. Any time a heretofore-unkown R&B singer introduces me to a major advance in the field of relationship forensics

in the same weekend that the Cavs win on a clutch shot by a nearly-unknown LeBronninite,

leading me to unearth the unmitigated philosophical genius of Delonte West,

I have to write a blog entry about it. These things, as a wise man once said, can no longer be ignored.

Some things to ponder while we await tipoff on Game 5:

1. I think we can all agree that Shaggy's 2000 summer jam "It Wasn't Me" ushered in the new century by forecasting major trends in both political strategy and media theory. Senior administration officials, Swift Boat Veterans, and Rik Rok all agree: lie often, and lie confidently, until the lie becomes the truth. So is Shaggy more like the Rupert Murdoch of his time, or the Karl Rove? And what does that make our girl Riskay? Patrick Fitzgerald? Ken Starr?

2. Will taunting LeBron in a "mocking baby voice" cause him to put up 75 points, or merely 50? And which beat will Jay-Z choose for his Brendon Haywood diss track? (I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this one, because Dockers just reminded me that it rules, and because "you puny protozoa" would be even more hilarious, in this context.)

3. Can a man really drive his "drop-top Hummer" "butt nekkid," if he keeps his "ankle socks," his "knee-high Chuck Taylors," and his headband on?

4. There is no way Delonte West actually owns a horse, right?

A hundred things in that clip slay me, for real ... but look for this one on our inaugural line of kentertainment t-shirts (and headbands): "My freelance may seem crazy to other people." Word.

It's Cavs/Wizards, III: A Tradition of Excellence*!

To answer your questions, following a thrilling Game 2 blowout:

1. If LeBron James is Jay-Z and DeShawn Stevenson is Soulja Boy, then DJ is ... uh, Fatlip, maybe?

2. Yes, I am *very much* looking forward to losing another playoff series to Boston this month. Why wouldn't I be? (On a related note: I don't know for sure that pink KG jerseys are on sale, or even if they are an actual thing that exists, but I look forward to getting heckled by a USF student wearing one --- just as soon as the Celtics have won enough games to turn my local pub back into the Pig and Masshole.)

Happy Patriots Day, everyone!

* = excellent basketball neither guaranteed nor implied. Excellent entertainment, definitely.